Do Not Drink Anything While Reading This (a Facebook ‘share’)

Bikini wax

Please note: This is a re-post, if you will, of a Facebook ‘share’. The original author is unknown. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

Yeah, so I just about pulled something in my neck laughing at this..I just had to share. (I highly recommend that you DO NOT drink anything while reading.)

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.

She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

 

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Finders, Keepers: The Ring

man woman beach

 

Most beach goers were still sleeping in at this early hour of the morning. This was her favorite time of the day. The sun, just beginning it’s daily ascent, made the sand on the beach brightly glitter as though covered with the stars that had just blanketed the night sky.

As she stolled along the waters edge, something sparkling brighter than all else caught her attention. Curious, she walked over to see what it might be. There before her, partially buried in the ocean-wet sand, lay what appeared to a piece of jewelery. Squatting down, she gently loosened it from it’s resting place and pulled from the sand what looked like an exquisit diamond ring. Atop the gold band sat a large round-cut diamond. The ring was encrusted with debris and she surmised it must have spent several years in the grip of the ocean and it’s bed of sand.

Whoever lost this must have been devastated!

Using the water from her water bottle she gently rinsed the sand from the ring, being careful not to cause any further harm to the gold. As the sand released it’s hold on the ring a circle of small sapphires surrounding the diamond appeared. Hoping there might be an inscription on the band, she held the ring in the brightening sunlight and peered inside the gold band. There, written so tiny she had to squint and with the added help of her bifocals she read:

I love you forever. John C.

Without hesitation or second thought, she knew what she had to do. No matter how long it may take, and having no idea where to begin her search, somehow she would see to it that this ring was returned to it’s wearer.

Seeking the much needed assistance of her daughter, an avid research enthusiast, the hunt began. Found ads were placed in Lost and Found in various newspapers and on websites. Phone calls made to hundreds of John C’s listed in cities and towns throughout the state. Numerous people came forward, but because no description of the ring was ever given, those ‘hits’ were proven false. Yet the thought of giving up and keeping the ring never entered theirs minds. For months they pressed onward, determined their search would bring the ring home.

Eight months later, the woman received an email:

Hello,

Just today I read your notice in the Lost and Found section of your local newspaper. After all this time has passed and the circumstances under which I lost my ring, I cannot imagine the ring you found is indeed mine. However, I’ve never given up hope that it would somehow find it’s way back to me.

My ring was a 14 carat gold band topped with a 3/4 carat round-cut diamond, surrounded by 25 tiny sapphires. Inside the band is the inscription ‘I love you forever. John C.’

I highly doubt this is the ring you have in your possession, but if it is please reply to this email. Otherwise, thank you for taking the time to read this.

Ellen C.

The woman immediately replied to the email, then called her daughter, ecstatic to announce they had Finally found the ring’s home! 

Ellen, it turned out, was in town visiting and her hotel was mere blocks away from the woman. Two hours later, at a quiet table in the hotel’s restaurant, the woman placed the ring in the trembling hand of the woman to whom it belonged.

Ellen spoke:

Five years ago my husband John and I were vacationing at your beach. It was our 25th wedding anniversary. The first night of our arrival, a beautiful moonless evening with the sky awash in millions of stars,  we donned our swim suits, grabbed towels and a bottle of champagn and went to the beach. That night John surprised me with the most beautiful ring I’d ever seen. This ring. Truly, it could have come out of a Cracker Jack box and I would have been just as thrilled. In John, I had everything I could ever want. 

The night before our departure, we went to the beach one last time. We frolicked in the surf like a couple of teenagers! A bit later, as we toweled the salt water from our bodies, I saw that my ring was gone! We searched everywhere, slowly walking barefoot in the areas we’d swum, along the water’s edge, in and around our belongings on the beach. Nothing. Of course the fact that it was dark did nothing to help in the search and we had to be to the airport for our flight home long before the sun rose in the morning.

I was devastated, my heart broken that I had been so careless to loose not just the beautiful ring John had given me, but more so his love for me so delicately inscibed inside. I left details of the ring and my contact information with the hotel, I put Lost and Found notices in the paper and anywhere else I could think of. It appeared as though the ocean had simply added my ring to the many treasures already gracing it’s depths.

Four months later, my husband was diagnosed with luekemia. Oh how he fought it. We fought it. Twice we thought he had won, but that was not to be. He passed away a year ago yesterday. I came back here, not because of the ring, but to remember our last and most amazing vacation together.

When I lost the ring to the ocean, John was not angry, he did not fret over money spent and lost in the water. He said only this, “It was merely a gift to the most precious thing God could have given me… You, my love. I will love you, forever.”

I am curious about one thing. How is it that you decided not to keep what you found?

I may have been the finder, Ellen. But….it was never mine to keep.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/finders-keepers/

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Angels on Earth

Angels

Have you seen and met the Angels on earth?

I have been blessed with a long and amazing journey of life. Often I think back and pray that in some way I have touched another’s life in a positive manner. I hope I made someone out there smile, brightening an otherwise cloudy day. Maybe I’ve said something, offered a helping hand, or showed a simple kindness that someone, somewhere, has never forgotten.

I pray that until I take my last breath, I will always remember, honor and repay the love the Angels, here on earth, have shown me.

Here are but a few:

A tiny four year old boy has arrived, with his mother and grandmother in tow, for his weekly hippotherapy session. In the midst of all the activity around me, I am immediately drawn to this little guy who is so very excited to be here. Gently he is placed on the back of his mount and, happily waving to his mother and grandmother, the session begins. With a therapist on either side of him and another leading, his mount takes him in many circles around the arena. The sun is shining brightly today, but it does not compare to the light this little boy is radiating. His eyes are sparkling, his entire body is beaming with joy and not just because he is on the back of a horse. He shines because he is alive, he is here to see the joy in all things great and small. He takes nothing for granted, everything is a wonder to this precious child. In him, I see God’s pure, amazing love shimmering brightly for all to see. All we have to do is open our eyes. This precious little boy has Downs Syndrome. I am so blessed to have met him.

At a restaurant with my sister, a woman is seated at the table beside us. I cannot take my eyes off of her. She smiles as she gives the waiter her drink order and her entire face lights up. Her waiter is in a foul mood today, but his ire fazes her not as he jots down her meal selection. Instead she smiles at him and when she does, her eyes are so gentle, so warm, so honest and sweet, that I visibly see the weight he carries begin to lighten. My sister is chatting and I catch very little of what she is saying. I do not like to stare, but I cannot stop watching this gentle and beautiful soul sitting right next to us. Our meal finished, we stood to leave, but I could not leave without speaking to the woman I had watched so intently. Stepping to her side I quietly apologized for my rude behavior and told her what it is about her that so captivated me. As we chatted, that angelic smile was directed at me and in that moment I felt an amazing love emanating towards me, from a total stranger. What a blessing to have had her seated right next us that day. Many would only notice, what physicians would describe as, a ‘morbidly obese’ woman sitting alone at a table. I’m sorry for them. Their blindness hides from them the beauty of this amazing woman.

This young man has opened my eyes like none other. He is a bright beacon in this storm we call life. He is rarely seen without a brilliant, fun-loving, contagious smile. His eyes sparkle with the joy of life. Every day is a new day to explore, cherish, appreciate and teach him something new. He finds delight and wonder in the smallest of things and his curiosity is endless. He is not concerned with what others may think of him. Peer pressure is non-existent. His love is genuine, pure and so very precious. At his mother’s side, I witnessed this beautiful boy enter this world. I have watched as this amazing child, and his equally amazing mother, grow in tremendous leaps and bounds. Their love, their incredible bond swells my heart to near bursting. This young man, whom was not expected to complete grade-school is now 14 years old, in high school with a 3.75 GPA. This courageous, determined, amazing boy has taught me so much about what truly matters in this adventure we call life. He is my grandson. He is Autistic, and he is beautiful.

She graced my life for the briefest of moments, but her beauty touched me profoundly. Indeed, she is one of the most dazzling women I have ever met. Her blue eyes sparkled with pure joy and her sweet smile was positively radiant. Her voice was magical, musical. Her laughter contagious. I could feel her absolute delight in everything and everyone around her, envelope me in an indescribable feeling of warmth. We spoke for a minute or two. Then she happily drove off on her motorized wheelchair, to help groom the horse she would then be lifted onto for her weekly P.A.T.H therapy session. She is 31 years old and, although she was born with various disabilities keeping her physically immobile, she is without a doubt one of the strongest, most independent, loving, honest and warm people I have ever had the honor of meeting. I hope I grow up to be like her one day.

God bless all of those Angels whom I have met and have yet to meet

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A List – Summer Fun

barefoot in grass

 

Kicking off our shoes, running barefoot through the cool green grass as the warmth of late spring settled in.

Hours spent in the mesa catching horned toads and blue-tail lizards, placed gently in a shoe-box hoping to keep them as pets, knowing we would have to turn them loose in Mom’s garden.

Bike riding to the public pool to splash and cool off with friends.

 

ice cream truck

The distant, melodious sound of the ice-cream truck approaching. Dashing inside to shake enough pennies or nickels from our piggy banks to buy an ice-cream bar.

 

child on swing

Walking to our elementary school to enjoy the swings without interruption. Did you see how high I went??

 

water sprinkler play

Squealing in delight as we played in the cold water of the water sprinkler.

Hiding behind the screen door on my hands and knees, barking at neighbors as they walked by. I was the dog we didn’t have. I was weird. My bark was good, though.

Playing outside, until just before dark.

Camping out in the backyard. Telling ghost stories, sharing secrets, laughing hysterically,  all while the mosquitos happily dined. Their bites were bragging rites.

 

mountain cabin

Summer vacations spent in ‘my’ beautiful mountains. At my grandparents home on Cheyenne Mountain, a cabin in the woods or a tent – I was in heaven.

Later, as the summer days waned and fall approached, the feeling of fallen/un-canned apricots squishing between our toes as we dashed through the yard under the apricot tree. Okay, that was gross, but there as worse things to step in barefoot.

I love the memory of those childhood summers. They were the best. Even the apricots.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/list-lesson/

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Mirror, mirror on the wall

mirror2

This morning my hair stylist stepped away for a few minutes and I was left staring at myself in the mirror. I don’t like staring at myself in mirrors. The longer I gaze into that thing, the more frightening the reflection becomes.

Then I had one of my random, where did that come from? thoughts. What would become of humanity if we were to destroy our mirrors? All of them. Certainly, the economy would plummet into an unfathomable depth. But, I am not talking about the economy here. I mean the human psyche. What would become of us if we could no longer see our imperfections reflected back to us?

Imagine:

Those imperfections would no longer matter.

Make-up would become obsolete.

The perfect ‘Do’ would disappear.

Twiggy bodies? Pfffttt!

Men’s razors tossed.

Bald or thinning hair? Who cares?

We would never judge others based on their appearance, lest we be judged ourselves.

Thus, physical competition is gone and the days of accepting each other for who we are, not how we look, have begun.

I’d like to believe our world be a more loving, caring and compassionate one. The ridiculous and exhausting – not to mention expensive – need to physically compete with each other would come to a blessed end and we would get down to the business of living in a more harmonious world.

Interesting.

 

 

 

Posted in Criticism, dreams, Family, Harmony, Hope, Humor, Imperfections, Life. Isn't it Grand!, Men, People, Random thoughts, Reflection, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Yaawwwn -

th07ZL5AF7

 

It’s now 5:30 a.m. I have been out of bed for two hours, after spending several hours in that pointless half asleep/mind going in a thousand different directions place. Nights like that are such a waste of time.

Thus far this morning I’ve read:

Angelina Jolie has decided to undergo another preventative surgery.  A prophylactic oophorectomy this time. I’m on the fence about this. On one side I truly understand her fear, on the other side, at what point do you stop sacrificing body parts trying to avoid what can attack from many different directions?

There’s a filthy Walmart in L.A. Shocking!

The Sprint Cup race scheduled for today in Bristol, TN., is set for Noon tomorrow should it be washed out today. Psst – I’m a Nascar fan

Five ways I can help my dogs live longer and five things I should feed them to, I assume, achieve that goal. My girls only get the healthy stuff. Shoot, they’ll probably outlive me.

Then I got bored and decided to play a few rounds of a game I love to hate – Bejeweled Blitz. It’s addicting. If you’ve not played it, don’t. Save yourself the aggravation.

Think I’ll take a nap.

 

Posted in Bored, Death, Dogs, dreams, Family, Humor, Life, Men, People, Pets, Sleepless, Women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Don’t Criticize Me, Please

sisters

 

I’ve been told, by my loving little sister, that I own too many turtlenecks, one of my new purses is too gold (Me: I like it. Her: But it’s gold), I don’t dress appropriately, my appointment scheduling is dumb, I have prominent dark circles under my eyes (Wonder who you got that from?), I should drive with my hands at 10 and 2, and I talk through my nose with a southern twang (Have you ever considered voice lessons?). There’s more, something about me is critiqued each time I see her, just can’t think of them at the moment.

I am not the only one who falls under this scrutiny. While selfishly thankful I am not the only one being picked on, I feel bad for everyone else.

I wonder, what happens in one’s life to make one so critical of others? In her case, was it something learned from our mother? Maybe. Probably.

Is it a controlling thing? If I try to control your life, I then feel I am in control of my own out of control life?

Is it one’s own lack of self confidence, self worth, fear of not adding up to other’s expectations? By finding fault with you, I feel better about me? Probably. I’ve met that personality type many times in my life.

My late husband: If I ever get that fat, just shoot me. He did and I didn’t shoot him. I loved him, all of him, regardless.

I always try to remember that I am Not perfect. I was not put on this earth to criticize or judge other people. That is not my job… That is His job.

I love my sister with all my heart. She is so very precious to me. I try to overlook her critiques, to turn the other cheek so-to-speak. One day though, I will have had enough and repeat to her the words I said to my ‘perfect’ son years ago…

It’s time for you to come down from your pedestal and join the rest of us imperfect people.

He’s never forgotten. He leapt from that pedestal long ago and his beauty takes my breath away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Children, Criticism, Family, Life, Life. Isn't it Grand!, Love, Men, People, Sisters, Uncategorized, Women | Tagged , , , , , , | 4 Comments